Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
